Let me preface: I have had major panic disorder/anxiety disorder since I was 19 (now 39). I also have snuck a peek at my ‘file’…don’t tell anyone. I saw Post Traumatic Stress…I would rather not tell that story…and Major Depressive Disorder. Yes, I’m on Social Security Disability at 39. No, I don’t like it, I wish I were productive, but I’m not. I think that’s how I fell into smoking at 20, it seems all of that together is something of a trap. It’s funny, I never really thought about how many people at the mental health clinic I go to every month are standing outside smoking. Sorry about that tangent.
So what is it, almost 5 days ago, or 5 days ago, I can’t even remember. I assembled my ‘real’ PV (it is just a couple ego‘s, but I love ’em), and I have some (admittedly not great) 12mg juice…and some more on the way. I’m about flat broke for the next two weeks so this is what I’ll have to work with. I smoked about 22-24 analogs a day and am starting at 12mg because after reading, I figured it would at the very least, keep the edge of withdrawal off, and at best, I would be able to vape a bit more than I was expecting to!
So these last 4 days were great! I felt fine, I mean…fine. I had no symptoms of anything, which was sort of odd, but I took it to mean I was doing a good job with my 12mg choice. I do notice that I stop vaping about 8pm, which is usually when I would stop the analogs, too. I don’t really pick it up in the daytime until noon, either. I go through about 1ml a day so far…about 2ml one of those 4 days…I think the first day. Anyway, seems pretty mild to me. I don’t know what the nicotine dosage from 1ml of 12mg would be, honestly, as far as it would be compared to 22 analogs. I’m guessing not really close. I don’t chain vape, I hit it about four or five times every 45 minutes or so (I keep a notebook).
My plan is, when I have more spending money in second week of February, to buy some 6mg, and then in March to pick up some 3mg, and then in April possibly some 0mg…or stop entirely. I don’t really know how that will pan out yet. That’s just the plan.
Then, omg today happened. I got up at 9:30 this morning (which is normal, I have an infinitely flexible schedule as you may have guessed). But I realized today I’ve been wide awake longer and longer every night since switching to vaping. I’m going to toss out a guess, and say that it’s analog-withdrawal insomnia.
About noon I grabbed the PV and choked and spluttered on it, ended up coughing up some goo. I didn’t mind this so much, I chalked that up to my lungs being happy…(happier). Then holy crow, my left shoulder went into massive pain mode. Now, as an Anxiety and Panic Professional…I have long since learned that every little thing is not cancer, it is not a heart attack, it is not MS, and it is not an ‘Event’. But this one was overpowering. After much pain and the rumblings of my now familiar panic attacks…I realized…hey…nothing is radiating, nothing else hurts. Oh wait, my neck is stiff. This is not deadly. (By the by, this pain did go away after about six hours of freak-out time.)
The problem with this episode is that I rarely have full-blown freak-out panic attacks anymore. This is weird, but only if I have to go to a doc, if I have to set foot in a hospital for any reason, or if I have to go to a Wal-mart/Target or a supermarket. Otherwise I can banish it with the power of the skills I have learned from my 20-years of therapy with the same person. He taught me well. So, I’ve been concerned. I am slowly developing a headache behind the eyes, which is a hallmark of my previous quit-analogs-cold turkey attempts. Am I not getting enough nic today, I ask myself. Am I getting too much today? Because I was hitting it like a fiend for a couple hours in the late afternoon. It’s hard to tell.
I didn’t believe in the quit-zits either, but this dime-sized one I just discovered on my chest is evidence. Holy crap, it’s impressive. So between my stiff neck, my sore muscles, my weird pains, my eye-headache, and my anxiety going off abnormally, I can only assume that quitting analogs even with the help of vaping is going to be slightly harder than I thought. But still easier than the old ways.
Sorry about the rant, but it was a hard, difficult day. :unsure: